Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
