I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
