i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
