I wish I could teleport
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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