piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
