Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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