elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
