i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Everclear isn't food dammit
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
