Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
