if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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