I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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