so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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