It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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