at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
