i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
