he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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