I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
