First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
