Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Bring me that man meat
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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