Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
