Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
