Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
