I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
