Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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