So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
