I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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