the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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