Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
