i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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