i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
