being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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