You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
