dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
