Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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