So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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