I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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