Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have tasted many bathrooms
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
