I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
