Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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