I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
