She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He passed out mid-signature
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
