Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
