I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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