that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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