Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
