2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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