I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
