we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Sober January is a disaster.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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