Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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