The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
