She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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