So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
